Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
