I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
