i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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