Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
