we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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