you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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