I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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