we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
