plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
