im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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