I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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