I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
