So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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