so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Found your dick twin last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
