I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
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Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
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You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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