There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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