why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
