i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
