So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
