I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
