At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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