Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
