I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
