here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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