we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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