I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
