I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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