Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
