She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
