she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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