There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
