just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
