my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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