bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
