Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
