Please, let me fuck your mom
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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