Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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