i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
