hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize