the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
