Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
