i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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