She is in my trunk
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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