I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
