Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
