An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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