But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
