Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
