Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
