why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
