Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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