I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
