Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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