i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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