I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How does one acquire holy water?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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