Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
