Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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