even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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