does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Screwed.edu
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I need to align my fucking chakras
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
