a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
