Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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